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broken family

watched my world burn today on the back of a fire I didn't start 
lost everything to girl who didn't want it didn't even know what she doing
cry for me sweet lose 
knowing it would end doesn't stop the end from hurting
so now we scatter to the wind the ashes of a good thing
The closest thing I have ever had to normal turned on its head
nothing left to save but the worse parts of something that wasn't that good for them anyway
but I will miss the glow of the ghost of a good thing
even though it hasn't been good for a very long time
She dances in what she has destroyed celebrating my sorrow
for it is her victory
Congratulations you have won a house of lies 

dance of the memoeries

The memories dance behind my field of vision;

Old confronting new in an emotional collision.
Reminding myself to breathe
The psyche begging for reprieve.
Seeking the comfort of contemplative solitude.
My soul desperately needing to be renewed.

… I escape …

Walking the quiet streets along at night
Makes the burden on my heart less recondite.
Raindrops create a masterful melody
The sorrowful song within unleashes its musicality.
Swelling to cresecendo with the crashing of the thunder.
I yeard for peace amidst this mental  plunder.

…I search...

Twisting and turning, the answers slither out of reach
Ceaseless turmoil  drains me like a leech.
Trudging forward, I cannot stop now.
A bead of sweat slips and falls from my furrowed brow.
In this journey I am my own phrenic pawn.

The memories dance behind my field of vision;

Old confronting new in an emotional collision.
Reminding myself to breathe
The psyche begging for reprieve.
Seeking the comfort of contemplative solitude.
My soul desperately needing to be renewed.

… I escape …

Walking the quiet streets along at night
Makes the burden on my heart less recondite.
Raindrops create a masterful melody
The sorrowful song within unleashes its musicality.
Swelling to cresecendo with the crashing of the thunder.
I yeard for peace amidst this mental  plunder.

…I search...

Twisting and turning, the answers slither out of reach
Ceaseless turmoil  drains me like a leech.
Trudging forward, I cannot stop now.
A bead of sweat slips and falls from my furrowed brow.
In this journey I am my own phrenic pawn.

paper moon skin

lonely droplet of liquid emotion
Gently rolling down a stone face
Eroding a small trail of burning remembrance
Why do these tears taste bitter?


.....Once had is lost.....


A storm of falling pain
Bathing in a dreary shade
Drowning in a self imposed imprisonment
Why do these tears taste bitter?


.....Once lost be forgotten.....


A void simply empty
So kept yet so complicated
Unable to cloak in ignorance forever
Why do these tears taste bitter?


.....Lest pain, mourn and sorrow.....


Pale moon skin and rain cloud eyes
Tattered clothing reflecting her disdain
Of weeping silence in apt disconsolate woe
Why do these tears taste bitter?


.....Be your life the cost.....


The lure of luscious splendor
The mementos of lust and power
The only relic of a corrupt past
Are these tears bitter, too?


.....Why?.....


Are we blessed with these feelings?
To live with pain and joy?
And if we could no longer feel it
Would these tears also taste bitter?


.....It's just a reminder we live in the heavens of hell..

hello AGAIN

One moment of weakness
Disguising itself as strength
After all these years
Hi should just mean hello
No undertone of
I miss you
No sense if accomplishment 
That you smiled in my direction
So beautiful past
Stop creeping into my dreams
Knotting my thoughts with half forgotten memories
Because 
I can stand alone
On lonely nights and face the dawn
But not when I know you're close by
I'm complete until I hear your voice
then I'm only half a person
If I knew you didn't care
Then maybe letting go would work 
I could free fall  off your cliff 
Splash into clear water
before I swam away without  glancing back
But I'm on a bungee 
Falling
Until you jerk me back to your embrace
When I think of the fire 
That burnt our hearts 
Quenched only by tears
I remember a passion so fierce
Undeniable
Unsustainable
But if we have to once more 
Assess the plethora of reasons
We never work 
I wont be able to stop the tsunami 
So please don't try and love me again

more then me

.I was never anything that I seemed, not these soft words of coiling phrases,
not a poet or a girl or anything but light refracting in the near darkness
bending itself in inspection.
and I look at my illumination as if it where foreign,
for it stalks about me like tamed men trying to clasp my life
trying to cut all my fierceness in a blink.
but my heart is stammering sluggish in my body,
it tells me there is no need for cages, for girl shaped nets.
I am bleeding out on ghostly sheets of paper
I am not hard to catch these days.
All of my pieces lay conquered between margins,
all my protest sound of defeated whispers.
These days I am less doe-eyed and more headlight-caught.
I swear I was such a willing thing once,
and now I don't even recognize these hooved hands,
bare palms and digits meld clumsily, trying to play goof with cheap metaphors,
but I can not make something because I say it is so.
I can not make my self white-tailed or light or happy just because i want to.
and I have trapped myself in my own darkness with such thoughts,
that I will never be anything more then I appear to be,
just sodt words framed as a girl.
 
 

watch it burn

 we were the sound of bone-built grief
slipping past the silence of our fracture.
A slow motion slaughter
mounting in the marrow of our debris.
And in a decay, my eyes became
cryptic keepers of our grave spun hymn.
For we delivered words still-born,
mouths muted pall bearers of their weight.
Black and white talk
with silent screams to match.
Cracked voices splay untold stories trough spittle mists,
one that lips in their quiver could not hold.
And your fingers have turned to bladed ire,
pushing the splinters of my vulnerability.
Your heart became my crumbling  cold tomb,
embalmed with veins that bleed stone.
Enraptured with your fleshy teasure,
poised upon a granite sacrifice.
You would rather bury me,
than confess to this collapse.
Memerized by wishes of gloom shadowed death,
pipe dreams of life lay cauterized.


 
 i'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth with more weight than my own.
the easiest thing to do would be to let them cut the ropes
but i find myself still trying to negotiate with my teeth clenched,
and pain dragging me down.
i'm an honest lover and a faithful fighter
and winter is coming again.
i can taste blood on my tongue and feel skin starting to slowly peel
off of my lips. i can feel my teeth starting to move around in my gums.
i can feel the weight getting heavier but i'd rather not give up.
as much as i believe im doomed, i'd like to try but i dont know how.

"just let me have one more chance, the chance i actually deserve."

May. 18th, 2010

Let's do something
that we're going
to regret tomorrow,
for all we know,
we only have today.
So the hell with
-sorrow-

I'll trail my kisses
Down his chest,
Another heart.
Just like the rest.

::And let you watch.::

You're jealousy is tangible.
So eat your heart out,
You already ate mine.
I clutch him hand in hand,
I still function,
and act just fine.

I've figured your weakness,
and taken over your mind,
Do you remember leading,
and keeping me blind?

I slide my hands
across his skin,
So well I've learned,
the games of men.
And I play them,
Put on the show,
Does it look familiar?
You taught me
//everything I know.//

May. 18th, 2010

I have forgotten how to love you
so much so it leaves me wondering if i ever did
you have become this dream i am not even sure i had

like a splinter you have worked your way under my skin
and although it will hurt to remove you
the pain is not enough to let you stay buried there

not knowing how to keep something
is a good enough reason to let it go
I am finally coming to realize
just because you are the love of my life
doesnt mean i am meant to spend the rest of my life with you



 


Feb. 28th, 2010

Contemplating tomorrow
Yesterday is all I see
Remembering what I let go
Remembering what I had
Knowing that what I have
Is nothing that I want it to be
Too focused on the now
I forgot about the future

Afraid of the pain
Afraid of the temptation
The skipping beats of the heart
Want, need, desire
I’m terrified

Too lost in what has happened before
Mind is obsessed with “what if”
It could happen again
It could hurt so bad
I could be ripped apart from the inside
Once more

I push
Away
Push so far away, if it comes too close
If I start to feel a happiness within me
Because it’s not real
It can’t be
It never was before

Please don’t let it happen again
I ask this of you
You
Whom I don’t know
I just feel
Protect me
Tear away these things that try to push you away
That try to push these emotions away from my heart

Make me feel again
Make me love again
Make me accept a happiness that I’ve never truly known
For I feel as if in living, without you, I am dying

You
Whom I don’t yet know
Take me
Take my love that I won’t offer
Take if forcibly
And make me accept it

I feel empty
Please fill it
Make me whole again
The way I was when I was child
When things were what they were suppose to be
When people loved each other
When families stayed together
And love wasn’t murdered with malevolent words

Just make me love again
Love
Such a tearful word for something so sweet
Love me
Love you
I want to love
You
Whom I don’t yet know
I just want to live
My life
Once more
Happy